someone threw a dead crab at me
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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