That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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