I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
