I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
