I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Shame is for Republicans.
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