please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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