I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
