why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
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Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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