i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
