Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
