he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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