I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Sacagawea was the original milf.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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