giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
