I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
