dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
