Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize