I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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