Just fell off a train. Bad.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
