Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
