He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Drunk is a universal language darling
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
