I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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