dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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