i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
