I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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