I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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