im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
