That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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