I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
