Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
