Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
