no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
