He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
