the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Soap is not a condiment
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
