I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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