it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
