Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
