i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
