I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
