new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
