It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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