Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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