My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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