my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
