Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just cut my nipple shaving
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
