Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
