Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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