You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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