Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
