I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
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Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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