Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
