why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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