We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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