dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
