he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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