dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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