I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
